I'm sitting in the bed, in the dark, staring at the computer, thinking of what to say and how to say it. I have been wanting to write about my experience this week for a while, but have put it off day after day. I've done this for several reasons: I'm too tired, I have no idea how to write it, I don't know if I should write, but most of all...it's going to be difficult to write. But tonight, as I was folding laundry (in deep thought), I realized that I needed to write. I need to write because it's therapeutic, and it's a wonderful way to reflect. I preach this to my students all the time! It's also why I created this blog in the first place. It's my place to talk about my growing walk with God and my hope for another baby. So that's what I'm doing. I'm writing. Well...sort of rambling. But forgive me. This will be kind of a lengthy one. I've got a lot swimming in my mind.

A week or so ago, I posted about the hope of being a mommy to another baby one day. I did not know at the time of that post that I was pregnant. We found out and were absolutely elated! It was a  wonderful Mother's Day Week surprise!

Having gone through a miscarriage in February; however, had me prepared for what could (and did) happen. I was devastated. Of course. I cried, screamed, hit stuff, called my Mom, cried some more. After all of that, I prayed. I really prayed. I prayed that He would show me what I need to learn. I thanked Him for what He was teaching me through this:

It sucks. It's sad. I'm sad. But He knows that. I don't have to tell Him. He looks beyond the circumstance. He looks at the heart. Our heart matters most to Him. In my heart, He has done a lot of work this week. In my heart, I am learning that I am a lot like Aiden. As a Christian, I mean. I am stumbling around, trying to find my way around. I am bothered that I can't do things by myself. It's in my nature to do it on my own. And most of all, I am learning that just because I'm not getting my way when I want it and I feel it isn't fair, He still loves me. And He is there to hold me and comfort me even though I don't understand.

When I tell Aiden it's time to go to bed, he sometimes will cry the most pitiful little cry. He wants to play more than anything else. In that moment, getting to play is his world. And I break his little heart when I take Buzz and Woody away from him and take him to his bed. But I know that he has to have his sleep. He doesn't understand that, but he doesn't need to. I just stroke his cheek, rub his back, hold him, and let him know that I love him. I think that's how God is with us when we are going through these rough times. He knows best. He can't explain it; we can't understand it. We don't need to. He just hold us and lets us know that He loves us. Unconditionally.

That's what He has done for me this week.

As for my hope for another baby. It is bigger than ever. I visited the doctor today, and he is confident that we will be able to diagnose the problem within the next month or so. I know that God has His hand on this area of my life. I'm not worried about it. At all. I am so excited about the baby babies we will have in the future. I believe in Him. And I am overflowing with gratitude for everything He has done for me and in me.

Silver Lining

Wow. What an interesting day I have had today: wake up to a tornado warning, get ready (with hopes of canceled school), go to school anyway, try to get gas-power's out, make it to school on fumes, teach seven kids, hold two kids for 3 hours while they wait for their buses. While it is quite simple to begin my rant and talk about all the things that could have been better, I am going to look for the silver lining of my "hectic" morning. I'll leave the complaining to the parents on the DNJ's webpage.

Lately, I have been trying to find Jesus in whatever moments I can throughout my day-to-day activities. It is a constant struggle, especially when I come face to face with the WORLD all day long. I find it easier and much more effective to write things down on my calendar or to come here to blog about it. I like to write. So here it is, today's silver lining:

1. I got to see, talk to, and cuddle with Aiden and Jamie this morning before work. Usually they're both sound asleep when I leave. What a wonderful start to a day!
2. Having only seven kids in my class, I was able to make the lesson more intimate and it allowed for more open discussion. Something that is very hard to do with a group of 24.
3. I was able to sit and play the movie/actor game with my mini-school team while all of our 8 bus riders were on computers or playing board games. Social time with adults never goes unappreciated in our line of work.
4. I came home to find that Jamie and Aiden had stayed home due to the weather. I got to cuddle Aiden (sweetly sleeping) and put him to bed to finish his nap.
4. I got to eat pizza. Straight out of the box. On my lap. In front of the TV.
5. I am now in the bed with the macbook and some more E! specials about the royal wedding which are feeding my new obsession (but that's my next blog).

So, thank you God, for showing me the great things that today brought me. Please help me to find You in  my days to come and to not complain about the details in the story that You have written.

Finding Jesus

Yesterday, while catching up on the weekend’s devotionals, I came across something that sort of rocked my world. Have I mentioned lately how great this little book is? Well, it is. I hate to admit it, but I did get behind over break, but it was kinda cool to be able to read several in one sitting. I took notes so that I wouldn’t rush through and forget—something I teach my kids to do, so I figured I should practice what I preach. One thing stuck with me through the night and into this morning. I even made a little sign for my desk at work.
 
“Rather than planning and evaluating, practice trusting and thanking Me continually.”
 
I read that and I thought “Ding-ding that’s it!”. I am constantly working on letting go of my control of my world, but I have been struggling with accomplishing that goal. I know I want to let Him take control, but my head and those aforementioned voices start planning and evaluating. That is why I cannot let go. I have a habit of planning and evaluating, not a habit of trusting and thanking. Sure, I trust God wholeheartedly, and I am extremely thankful for everything He does for me; however, I wouldn’t consider it a continual practice or habit. So today, I am going to start a new habit and limit my planning and evaluating. While I will still plan and evaluate a little (occupational hazard), I will mix it with equal parts trust and thanksgiving. In my personal life; however, I will let go of the planning for tomorrow and evaluating yesterday. I will trust Him completely with what is to come, and I will thank Him for every little thing.
 
“Thankfulness is where you find Me.”
 
This morning I found Jesus…
When I woke from a full night’s rest.
At all of the green lights I was able to drive right on through.
At McDonald’s when I got a coffee with loose change in my car.
In my devotional book.
In my beautiful friend and coworker, Karla, who shared her lesson with me today.
 
And it’s only 7:15!
 
Where did you find Him?

 

Fill 'er Up Please.

Today, I am reading about God’s intimate awareness of the details of our lives. We think we are so complex, but he does not. He knows every detail—good or bad, relevant or irrelevant. He knows. And I read that it should not trouble us, but comfort us instead. If anyone else knew so many things about me, I would constantly worry what their opinion of me is. Has it changed—for the better, or for the worse? But I don’t have to do that with God. His Forgiveness is unchanging. I mean, it’s what He sent His son for—to sacrifice His Life so that we can have it…forever. This alone is reason enough to shout out loud in celebration. This alone is why I will not fear His awareness of the details of my life, but embrace it and thank Him for it. The passage continued with one resonating comparison: “As I fill you up with My Love, you become a reservoir of love, overflowing into the lives of other people.” That sounds good to me!

Dear Lord, please fill me up with your comforting presence and light so that others can see a glimpse of you through my actions and words. Help me to be aware of this throughout my day today. Thank You for Your Forgiveness of my imperfections and the comfort of knowing that You know all, and still love me—unconditionally. Guard my family, protect us from evil, and fill us with Your Presence today. Thank you, God.

Let Go, and Let God.

   Do you ever find yourself thinking about the day in an anxious way? Whether it is good anxiety or bad, you just can’t seem to stop thinking about the day’s objectives. I do this from the sound of the alarm up until I drift to sleep. I try to have the perfect day everyday. I was unaware that I do this until I read a blog written by a person whom I have never met, but have the utmost respect and admiration for. Her name is Sara Walker, a fellow Lipscomb Alum of my husband. She recently gave birth to a stillborn baby girl and has now been diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. Her battle is unfathomably large, but you would not BELIEVE her strength. She gives one-hundred percent of the glory to God, and does not take credit for any of it. She has helped me grow closer with Him in the past few weeks than I have ever been. One of her more poignant posts was about the freedom she has received from God. She speaks of always trying to have that “perfect day”. She goes on to tell her readers that we are free from these anxieties. She says that her cancer is a gift from God, because this was revealed to her through her struggle. My favorite lesson from her is to SAVOR each moment, and not to worry about tomorrow because He is already there. WOWZERS.
   
This morning, Jesus spoke to me through my little devotional book. He said, “Instead of trying to fit this day into a preconceived mold, relax and be on the lookout for what I am doing…this is far better than trying to make things go according to your own plan. Anxiety wraps you up in yourself, trapping you in your thoughts. When you look to Me and whisper My Name, you break free and receive My help. Focus on Me and you will find Peace in My Presence.”
   
So, today, that is my objective. I am going to savor like Sara. I am going to focus on God’s plan, not mine. I am going to whisper his name when anxiety seeps in. Man, it’s unreal how freeing it feels.

   God, please help me to be aware of Your goals for this day. This is Your day, not mine. And I need to remember that. Thank You for Sara and Your ministry through her. Thank You for The Cross and Your Sacrifice. Thank You for our freedom. I love you, Lord.

Sara’s Journal - http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sarawalker/journal

God's Interruption

Do I have everything ready for today’s lesson, copies, finish your coffee, what time is it, book club after school today, church tomorrow night, do I really have time to commit to EVERY Wednesday, did Aiden get a bath last night, I hope the meat thaws by tonight, did I teach well enough for TCAP, I wish our house was bigger, we’ll never sell it, I’d love to have a garden like hers, Why can’t I stay at home and take care of my home and family instead of all of these kids who seem to not care, I never have enough time…

And God interrupts.

“Be still, and know that I am God. Listen to the love song I am continually singing to you. The voices of the world are a cacophony of chaos, pulling you this way and that. Don’t listen to those voices; challenge them with My Word. Be still in My Presence and listen to My Voice.”

Silence.

Why is it that I let these voices run rampant through my head? I don’t even LIKE them. I definitely do not enjoy their company. So why do I entertain them? The voices of the world are all around us. It is what we are immersed in daily. But we can’t really blame those voices. The world exists, and we live in it. But that does not mean we have to find life in it. We have to find life in God’s Word. Through His Blood. Through His Mercy and Grace. I know this now, and I can fight off those voices, thanks to God speaking to me this morning. A friend of mine from work brought me a daily devotion book yesterday. I felt so touched that she thought of me, and I could not wait to begin reading. Today’s message from God is quoted above. I believe that God heard my prayer Sunday night: “God, please turn my focus from these worldly things. I know I should not consume my mind with these thoughts, but with thoughts of you. Help me, God.”

So God sent Kathy to my classroom door yesterday morning with this little devotional book, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. What a blessing! He knew what I needed. He KNOWS what I need. I have been doing some daily bible readings. I hate to admit that I have never fully committed, or should I say devoted, my time to a full year of daily readings. I started in January, and have not stopped. It has become my favorite habit. I know that by continuing to immerse myself in His Word, and not the things of the world, that hopefully those worldly voices will be muted by the peace and love of The Almighty.

God, I know You are listening to me. I believe in Your Power. I believe that You love me and that You know what is best for me. I know that You will make it happen. Please help me to trust in You and to stop worrying about things that do not matter. Help me to silence the voices of the world. Continue to send me Your Messages, and I will listen. I look forward to Your next message to me. I love you, Lord. Thank You for all that You do for me and my family.

Hey girl, your roots are showing...

Gasp!
The everyday woman, when confronted with this taboo phrase, would be offended to say the least. But I'm not talking about those roots. I'm talking about the roots that are still alive. Those roots that we feel so deep in our soul, that just thinking about them makes us want to either smile or cry. Those roots that are often forgotten until we go to look for them...I would like to say I pay more attention to them than I actually do, but it's hard when you get wrapped up in your world. My roots are seen in the mirror that is Shelbyville, Tennessee. And let me tell you, when I glanced about a month ago, they looked spectacular. 

We pulled into the gravel driveway of the little white house on Shelbyview Drive on one of those perfect Sunday afternoons. You know the ones I'm talking about. The ones with the weather that only requires a light jacket (even though it's February). The ones that bring you outside of the house that you've been cooped up in since late November. The ones that make you want to be a kid again, and do kid-like things such as climbing a tree (which will show up later...keep reading). We get out of the car and I walk along the stones and onto the sidewalk that leads to my Granny and Grandaddy's house. I walk in to greet the family in the den. We say our hello's and, of course, everyone gravitates toward my little Aiden. I take advantage of this free time to snap some photos of this house that represents so many childhood memories. The first are of the front bedroom. This room is my favorite. My Granny has lots of feminine, shabby-chic touches to it, well aside from the pack'n play and box of wipes on the bed (occupational hazard). On the dresser, I spot this beautiful cross, which speaks to my grandmother and her spirit and what she has instilled in me. Behind it, you'll see a photo of the person from whom my Granny's spirit came, my Granny Donegan with my great grandfather, J.C., who died when I was very young. Next to it, an angel. Makes me smile.

Next, I venture into the kitchen. The hub of this household, if you will. The place where the "magic" happens. The place where many a mouth has been fed. The place where, 9 times out of 10, you'll find my Granny. First, let's see what's on the menu...ahhhh my favorite, chicken poppyseed casserole along with baked ham, mashed potatoes with green peas, deviled eggs, and macaroni and cheese. Heaven on a card table.

Here is Granny, serving the last dish (as if we needed more), corn on the cob.

After eating, or should I say stuffing my face (which I did), we all either gathered at the dining table for girl talk, around the TV for the basketball game, or outside to enjoy the weather. Some of us played with the dogs, Roxy (the boxer-ish pup) and Buddy (our Golden Retriever who now resides on Shelbyview Drive). Mom moved to Green Hills, so Grandaddy, of course, took another pet. He's had 50 pets in his lifetime, what's one more. But that's a whole other story.

Roxy

Buddy

and then some of us, just wanted to re-live our childhood by proving we could still do dumb stuff and not get hurt...

While everyone was socializing, I continued to snap some photos throughout the house. These two stood out to me.

I don't believe words can do justice to how proud I am to come from such a wonderful place, such wonderful people. I am so blessed that my son is able to spend his days with these two precious people, in this precious little house on Shelbview Drive. I think he's pretty stoked about it too.

And, as we said our goodbyes, packed up the car, and strapped the little guy in, I just absolutely had to get my camera back out to take this shot. What a great Grandaddy I have. I wonder if he knows how much I love him.

I think the Lord knew that I needed that day. A week later, we discovered that I had miscarried. Now, it has been a month, and I have healed, but still have my sad moments. That is until I come across little things like these photos I took and hadn't viewed until this evening. It's funny how God knows exactly what we need and when we need it. I don't suppose funny would be the word...more like divine. Now, as I look back on this day, I am filled with joy. Joy for having such a glorious childhood in such a charming town. 

The next time someone tells me my roots are showing, I'm gonna thank 'em.