Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I'm sitting in the bed, in the dark, staring at the computer, thinking of what to say and how to say it. I have been wanting to write about my experience this week for a while, but have put it off day after day. I've done this for several reasons: I'm too tired, I have no idea how to write it, I don't know if I should write, but most of all...it's going to be difficult to write. But tonight, as I was folding laundry (in deep thought), I realized that I needed to write. I need to write because it's therapeutic, and it's a wonderful way to reflect. I preach this to my students all the time! It's also why I created this blog in the first place. It's my place to talk about my growing walk with God and my hope for another baby. So that's what I'm doing. I'm writing. Well...sort of rambling. But forgive me. This will be kind of a lengthy one. I've got a lot swimming in my mind.

A week or so ago, I posted about the hope of being a mommy to another baby one day. I did not know at the time of that post that I was pregnant. We found out and were absolutely elated! It was a  wonderful Mother's Day Week surprise!

Having gone through a miscarriage in February; however, had me prepared for what could (and did) happen. I was devastated. Of course. I cried, screamed, hit stuff, called my Mom, cried some more. After all of that, I prayed. I really prayed. I prayed that He would show me what I need to learn. I thanked Him for what He was teaching me through this:

It sucks. It's sad. I'm sad. But He knows that. I don't have to tell Him. He looks beyond the circumstance. He looks at the heart. Our heart matters most to Him. In my heart, He has done a lot of work this week. In my heart, I am learning that I am a lot like Aiden. As a Christian, I mean. I am stumbling around, trying to find my way around. I am bothered that I can't do things by myself. It's in my nature to do it on my own. And most of all, I am learning that just because I'm not getting my way when I want it and I feel it isn't fair, He still loves me. And He is there to hold me and comfort me even though I don't understand.

When I tell Aiden it's time to go to bed, he sometimes will cry the most pitiful little cry. He wants to play more than anything else. In that moment, getting to play is his world. And I break his little heart when I take Buzz and Woody away from him and take him to his bed. But I know that he has to have his sleep. He doesn't understand that, but he doesn't need to. I just stroke his cheek, rub his back, hold him, and let him know that I love him. I think that's how God is with us when we are going through these rough times. He knows best. He can't explain it; we can't understand it. We don't need to. He just hold us and lets us know that He loves us. Unconditionally.

That's what He has done for me this week.

As for my hope for another baby. It is bigger than ever. I visited the doctor today, and he is confident that we will be able to diagnose the problem within the next month or so. I know that God has His hand on this area of my life. I'm not worried about it. At all. I am so excited about the baby babies we will have in the future. I believe in Him. And I am overflowing with gratitude for everything He has done for me and in me.


Mrs EyeCanSee said...

So sorry that you have to go through such a terrible loss again. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Laura said...

I hope that you find out more information soon from your doctor. Michael and I will be praying for you guys. Much love!

Heather said...

I have faith for both of us! Love you!

Kristen said...

I'm so sorry for your broken heart :-(

I hope you guys are able to quickly diagnose the problem! You are in my prayers!

Anonymous said...

You are such a strong girl. I'm so sorry and know you must be suffering right now, but your attitude is amazing. God will reward your faith and patience in His time. I'll be saying a prayer for you!

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